sixteen.

i’m actually quite late with this post since my birthday nine days ago. but wow am i weirded out to be sixteen. i managed to pass my drivers test and now have the responsibility of driving myself everywhere. yeah… weird. i’m looking forward to this year; it’s going to be quite a ride.

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dear twenty-eighteen.

at this time last year, i was so different. of course i didn’t see myself changing. i don’t think anyone ever does. but here i am. i have changed.

at this time last year, i kept my hair in two braids and wore the same grey beanie all the time. i had two friends by my side and we spent the night laughing in the bathroom. we ate tons of pizza and cookies and i was the happiest girl in the world.

at this time last year, i was simultaneously messaging a boy i had the biggest crush on. he was having a rough time and it was this night last year that i realized was in love with him.

in january! i turned fifteen and bought some chocolate cakes to take to youth coffee house night so i could spend my birthday with the people that mean the most to me. i took my permit test and passed on the first try, and i made a new friend. the boy i fell in love with wrote me a poem and that was the moment i knew i would love him for a very long time.

in february! my great grandpa passed away and we spent a wet and rainy day celebrating his new life in heaven.

in march! i had my first violin recital. it was my first time on stage in seven years. it terrified me. it was scary. but a good scary.

in april! i grew even closer to my best friends. we started calling ourselves the “beans” and each had our own nickname. i took standardized testing at Round Grove and realized that i was thankful i hadn’t gone to school there.

in may! i watched a play that ian was casted in for the first time. he had a small part but i still don’t think he realizes how wonderful he was (and is)

in june! it was my first year as a counselor at Baptist Hill and i got to do it with two of my best friends. we stayed up on hall duty every night and did karaoke in the bathrooms. we shaved our legs (??) and stuck pencils in electric sockets.

in july! the youth group went on a mission trip to Eminence, Missouri and spent a week growing closer to each other and closer to Jesus. i faced my fear of heights several times and realized that trust in every relationship is more important than anything.

in august! ian and i went to the fair for the first time. we rode every ride i knew i wouldn’t throw up on, and i got to feed a camel. i sang with jess at freedom fest. it was the first time i had spoke or sang in front of anyone in seven years.

in september! ian and i began dating, officially. we went to the pumpkin patch and ran through corn maizes. we spent the evening carving pumpkins and watching Coraline while he warned me about using a knife. i auditioned for a play for the first time. i didn’t get the role but i think i finally found what i was meant to do.

in october! i lost a friend i hadn’t known for even a year yet. festifall rolled around and jess and i dressed up like the five year olds we truly are. i missed the hayrides but i ate s’mores with the love of my life and i was happier than i had been in a long time.

in november! my family and i spent thanksgiving in arkansas and somehow i liked it better than our traditional thanksgiving plans. i auditioned for another play and got the role. still 100% certain that was a God thing. i watched Wonder in theaters twice and i cried both times.

in december! ian and i painted some mugs and watched The Greatest Showman in theater. i decided it’s my new favourite movie and ian bought me the soundtrack for christmas. i spent christmas with both sides of his family and he spent christmas with both sides of our family. i’m looking forward to so many more with him by my side ❤

twenty-seventeen was good. it was a mountain and then it was a valley and then it was mountain again, but it was good. somehow through all of it, Jesus stayed right beside me. and i still have a best friend and a boyfriend that have drug themselves along with me. twenty-seventeen was good. but dear twenty-eighteen… please be great.

fear.

fear

/fir/

noun

noun: fear; plural noun: fear

 1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

i’ve had a pretty big experience with fear.

for those of you that know me, (and now for those of you that don’t 😉) you know that my dream career is to be an actress. i’ve wanted be on stage for as long as i can remember, but up until recently, i’ve never given it a try. here’s why.

Continue reading “fear.”